Hannah’s Halloween Hate-Haul
Thoughts | Hannah Weinberg
It’s a beautiful fall day. As you stroll down (generic street), clutching (generic autumnal drink), wearing your favorite (name-brand) coat, you delight in kicking piles of (deciduous) leaves up into the air.
Maybe you’re deliberating between costume choices for the upcoming ‘halloweekend’ frat parties, or pondering the social intricacies of carving a pumpkin too early. Suddenly, you stop dead in your tracks when you see it: a faint shadow on a residence’s first floor window. You creep closer––what could this mysterious shape be? You’re a meter away when you realize.
It’s a fricken gel cling.
Autumn, and specifically October, is hands-down my favorite time of year. Not only do I love the chilly temperature, fall color, and abundance of pumpkin bread, I am a major fan of all the traditions that this season brings. I hope you find the same joy from this time of year that I do, because we’ve got to stockpile it as we prepare to suffer through November and the first half of December. So enjoy it while it lasts.
Halloween absolutely rules, but there’s a few oddities around this time of year that really grind my gears. Usually I’d call these pet peeves, and although the word ‘peeves’ evokes Harry Potter-esque ghoulishness, I can only take so many clichés in one article, and I love alliteration, so without further ado:
Hannah’s Halloween Hate-Haul
Gel Clings. These things are the worst! Have you ever seen one? They’re jelly cutouts that are sold for every Hallmark holiday, and you stick them to your window to ... I don’t know? Feel festive? In theory, portable glass jelly isn’t a crime against humanity, but when actually used in the home, I have no other phrase to describe it other than precisely that. What always ends up happening is this: small flies and gnats get caught in the gel clings, and they remain there, trapped, until you set them free or they die. If you try to remove the gel cling after waiting for too long, it leaves a colored residue on the glass. If you try to wash said cling in the sink, it’ll absorb your dish soap and clutch onto the gnat corpses for dear life. So what you end up with is a soapy bug pancake, and that, unfortunately, is not very metal.
“Take one” Bowls. If you’ve been trick or treating before, you probably know about this one. A house, typically devoid of decorations and garage lights completely dark, offers one measly mixing bowl filled with b-rate candy on its front porch, usually accompanied by a lousy note that reads: “Take one.” One WHAT? One piece? One handful? One bowlful? One bowl? I’ve seen kids do all of the above before––the reason you don’t put out your nice serving bowls is that oftentimes, by the end of the night, they have been hijacked by sugar-manic children with penchants for misdemeanors. So all that is left is a lonely “take one” sign, or if you’re lucky, an empty bowl. A quick note to the “take one” households: just because you bought the cheapest and smallest bag of candy, doesn’t mean you’ll escape the torment of having your doorbell rang hundreds of times. I’d flee to the country to escape the festivities, if I were you.
The rotten pumpkin. I’ve been guilty of this one before, and I’m sure many of you have as well, and so this year, (say it with me now) we will put an end to the spoiled gourd! It’s quite simple: don’t carve your pumpkins more than three weeks before Halloween and—this one’s really important—do NOT keep them after the holiday has passed. In the States, you’re required by law to replace (and double) your previous number of holiday decorations with that of the next season, the day that holiday passes. So if I were at home, I’d stick two rotisserie turkeys on my doorstep in place of our wilting orange friend, but this year, I’m not sure what I’ll do. What do you Canadians do in November? Get a head start on Christmas?
The color Maroon. Perhaps I just started noticing it, or this color really had its inception, but I remember back in the Pinterest heyday, when knee-high boots and infinity scarves were the definition of trendy, maroon became the ultimate fall color. It became a problem––you’d show up to middle school, and every other girl had the same color shirt as you! “Twinning!”, you’d call to each other from across the classroom, but secretly, it haunted you. Maroon had robbed you of your individuality. Even though every other trend from 2013 has pretty much faded out of cultural consciousness, we still compulsively don hues of dark reddish purple whenever we deem it to be “fall.” I find myself drawn to the color, and I absolutely resent it.
The Hallowreath. Are you kidding me? You need a wreath for Halloween? Are you testing out the strength of your over-the-door wreath holder for December, when the big-boy Christmas wreath comes out to play? Are you practicing the skills of wreath hanging, or are you training your house-guest’s eyes for the sight of a gaudy arrangement of fake leaves and baubles? It’ll still be ugly, no matter how long it’s there for. You don’t need a wreath for every season, Karen. Especially ones that look like these:
This spooky season, I implore you to be thoughtful in your autumnal adventures. Gorge yourself with candy corn and engage in costume competitions, crave candy and carve pumpkins, trick your friends and treat yourself, but whatever you do:
Do NOT hang a gel cling.