The Howl's Stanky Secret Santa
Thoughts | The Howl Team
Contributors (in alphabetical order): Ella Bowles, Elysia Chau, Esther Choi, Megan Ding, Alex Eun, Olivia Hadfield, Lily Johnson, Christina Kim, Tehlan Lenius, Samara MacInnes, Roxana Moise, Ashley Noh, Rebecca Proch, Marysa Rahan, Mikayla Ritsma, and Hannah Weinberg.
Illustration by Alex Eun, @alex.eun.
During our most recent staff meeting, our team here at the Howl Mag gathered to create this silly little article for your delectation! The prompt: the Howl Mag is no longer staffed by ordinary university students. Instead, a goofy cast of characters, (including Clairo, Spiderman, Freud, and Dostoyevsky, to name a few) comprise our staff, and better yet—we imagined what would happen if these silly magazine contributors held a secret santa party!
We created these short scenes together: we first wrote the name of a character on a piece of paper. Then, everyone passed that paper to the member to their left. We wrote a description of the new character we had just received, passed the paper to the left again, and then each wrote a story! So every story you read below has been worked on by three members of the Howl. We had a blast writing this piece, and we hope that you enjoy reading it!
And if you have your own holiday party this December, we sincerely hope that you fare better than our poor characters did.
Enjoy! xoxo, The Howl Mag <3
Clairo
Renowned artist Clairo sat in the grey sectional chair, looking at the enormous box in front of her. She felt terrified; she had only been a member of the Howl magazine for a few months now, and attending a Secret Santa felt entirely outside of her purview. Known for her enigmatic personality, her nice smile, and her nasty sneer, Clairo was much more comfortable dancing, albeit a bit awkwardly, than being the center of attention at a Christmas party for work.
She turned her tired eyes to the box on the table. It was absolutely massive — it had to be at least seven feet long, and four feet wide! — how did her secret Santa even manage to wrap the thing, let alone bring it to campus? Tinny Christmas music played from the Editor in Chief’s laptop, but nobody spoke. The room was tense with anticipation as they waited for Clairo to open her gift. Well, no time like the present!
Clairo began to peel at the tape on the reindeer-themed wrapping paper, trying to preserve it. It was painstakingly slow. Impatient, the spectral ghost of Sigmund Freud yelled out, “Oh goddamn it, Clairo, just tear the paper!”
Everyone around him chuckled, and Clairo felt even more embarrassed. To soothe herself, she hummed her favorite song, “Pretty Girl,” to herself. She tore at the wrapping paper, and as it fell away, she saw that it was covering a large cardboard box. It looked like a… refrigerator box?
“Oh!!!” She exclaimed. “A refrigerator? Wow, I can’t wait to add it to my collection,” she said after considering it briefly.
“No, Clairo, it’s better than that!” Freud said. “It’s just the box! So you can play games with it, and stuff!”
“Oh, how kind!” Clairo said, hating herself for attending the event to begin with. “Thank you so much Freud, I can really see myself using this.”
Brian Brian
Brian has never been this happy since his co-worker Joceline said “Have a nice afternoon” to him in June 1997. As he unwraps the carefully packed snowman-ornamented wrapping paper, he recognizes the familiar smell of his most favourite, most prized possession. How could they know he wanted this for Christmas? Yes, it was part of his Slack bio, but who from the Howl Magazine truly checked their Slack, let alone other people’s profiles? Did this mean something? He had noticed he was being stared at awfully often during pitch meetings, but he did have marvelous pitches about the Blue Jays, which absolutely — yes, Editors — did belong in an Arts & Culture magazine. Tossing the wrapping paper to the side, the beautiful glistening card deck is finally revealed to Brian: a new pack of Yugioh cards. In his 53 years of age, he has never been so blissfully content.
He looks over at Spider-Man, and can’t find the words to thank him. As the Secret Santa continues, and all the other writers proceed opening their gifts, chuckling and warmly thanking each other, Brian can’t stop stealing glances to Spidey. It couldn't be true... could it? Such a celebrity too… want to be his friend? He who had been casually described as the equivalent of an office plant? A fake one, at that.
While the meeting concludes, and Brian, still blushing from the surprise (and the heat — this room is uncommonly warm!), prepares his bag to go home, he wonders if he should try thanking him on the way out. Spidey is busy saying goodbye to the Editor-in-Chief (what a kiss ass). But as Brian prepares to leave without uttering so much as a “Bye,” he feels a tug pulling him back. Spidey’s web pulls him back until they are both embracing warmly, bundled up in their hats, scarves and gloves. “You’re welcome, Brian. Merry Christmas.”
Spider-Man
“Thanks, man.”
Spider-Man shifts from foot to foot, looking down at the box in his hands. Beneath the rips he’s made in the red wrapping paper, he can read the words ‘DC’s Greatest Hits: A Box Set’, a corner of Batman’s head poking out underneath.
Across the table from him, Caleb beams, bald head glistening under the bright overhead lights of the Howl Magazine’s meeting room. There are reindeer heads — no, gingerbread men — printed on his tie. “You like it?”
Spider-Man clears his throat. “Yeah — I see it, the whole superhero thing. Thanks.”
He turns away quickly, moving away from the table before Caleb can see his disappointment. Spider-Man does not like the box set. He doesn’t even appreciate the gesture of the box set. In fact, he loathes the very idea of the stupid box, strangely heavy for its small size, in his hands.
DC? DC’s Greatest Hits? Caleb is an idiot. Worse than an idiot — a blathering fool. Spider-Man knows that he must be hard to buy presents for, considering that no one at the Howl Magazine has ever seen the person that hides underneath his costume. But do his coworkers at the magazine not realize that this is precisely the point? Spider-Man is his identity. Spider-Man is his life. If Tom Holland’s success with Zendaya is any indication, this Spider-Man costume is his ticket to a beautiful, loving, and caring partner.
So why would Spider-Man, one of Marvel’s most iconic characters, want a DC box set?
Spider-Man doesn’t always feel understood, so the feeling prickling under his skin is not necessarily new, but this doesn’t mean that it stings any less. As he forces himself to return to the party, he hopes that this feeling will dissipate, but he finds it growing with time. By the end of the Howl’s Secret Santa party, he is furious.
This is it for Spider-Man and the Howl. He is done with this stupid magazine. He will have to forge a new path in the city of Toronto now.
Billy Bob Brown
Billy Bob Brown has blue hair which flows into waterfalls that reach their hips. They adore almond croissants, which inspired them to learn French.
Billy Bob Brown was gifted a rolling pin from Logan Lerman this year for Secret Santa. They could have never guessed what the long package contained. The rolling pin sits heavy in Billy’s hands; it’s thick and a rich oaky colour. The handles even have these detailed grooves. Looks fancier than your standard rolling pin that was passed down from generation to generation in your mother’s kitchen. No, this rolling pin is sturdy — you could probably knock someone out with it, doubling as a weapon! Billy is ecstatic. They’ve always wanted to take on baking, especially making handmade croissants. They’ve been spending far too much on overpriced croissants in cafes. They’re always so stale too. Billy is drooling, thinking about the fresh sheets of butter being squashed in the layers of dough, and the joy they will feel while smoothing over those thick layers. They think about the many different flavours of croissants they can try making — pistachio, chocolate, almond, matcha, and more! The opportunities are endless. Maybe they can bake a new flavour and bring them to future meetings for everyone to try. Maybe one day Billy can become a renounced pastry chef. Billy smiles, their mouth stretching ear to ear. This was the most thoughtful gift anyone had ever given them!
Thor
This is the fourth time Thor has been late to the Howl meeting. He tries to enter the room silently, but his presence is hard not to notice (he is also a very big man and the room is very cramped). He finds the last empty seat and takes it, setting down his hammer (? idk I don’t watch Marvel movies) with a loud clang.
A gift is set in front of him — a small box delicately wrapped in red paper and tied with a bow. He gingerly unties the bow and attempts to tear the paper apart gracefully, but his godly strength rips it off in one go. He is SO EMBARRASSED. He tries to play it off and casually opens the box. Inside is a shiny pair of earrings. The gold is carefully carved into two dainty hearts. Figuring there must be some sort of mix-up, he looks up at the rest of the group, who all seem strangely unphased by the very unfit present.
He lets out a nervous chuckle, convinced it must be some kind of joke. The room is still dead silent. Are they serious? Is this really his gift? Thor comes to the conclusion that his fellow Howl team members are simply horrible at giving gifts. He decides to accept the earrings graciously, not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Without saying a word, he takes the heart-shaped earrings and puts them on. He looks at his reflection in the shiny metal of his hammer (again, I do not know what it’s called) and much to his surprise, he sees a new version of himself. A better man. At that moment he realizes… he is slaying.
Nylah
Nylah is a black cat sitting on top of the Howl Mag meeting table. With no prompting whatsoever, he smacks the nearest water bottle off the table for no reason and then meows loudly. He is grumpy and wishes to be in front of the TV at home watching terrible Hallmark Christmas movies and complaining about gas prices. Any time someone from the Howl Mag goes on their phone, he smacks it out of their hand with one paw and hopes it shatters on the floor because smartphones are the bane of his existence and if he is unable to figure out how to use one, then no one else is allowed to enjoy them. At any given moment, he is upset that no one reads anymore and is always ready to throw paws about it.
He watches the gift be placed in front of him, unimpressed. He rips off the wrapping paper and finds that it is a mini sculpture of Robarts library, the ugliest library to exist in Toronto. He tears up. It is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and he already knows that he will cherish it for all time. The Howl Mag may be filled with useless young humans who do not respect the older generation and willingly wear jeans with rips in them for no logical reason, but they are his family and he will never be alone. He invites them all to his blitz chess tournament happening next weekend, except that he can’t talk because he’s a cat so he opens up a laptop and types in a doc and they read it and accept so that in a week’s time they can see him obliterate the competition as the reigning champion and have no regrets. There will be no bears, and lots of catnip.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Fyodor Dostoyevsky arrived late to the Howl Christmas party with his three cats in tow, on leashes. Camus, Steinbeck, and Stephenie Meyer were covered in snow and they all, including their owner, carelessly tracked snow and brought a cold gust of wind into the warmly lit room.
“Hmmm,” Froyo thought, “how does giving and receiving anonymous gifts relate to the debasement of humanity?”
“Hi Fyodor!” the party members shouted.
He simply nodded and shook the snow off his beard as he sat down in a corner with his cats jumping onto the couch next to him.
“Since you’re so late, we already did the gift exchange, so everyone knows who got who, but it’ll still be a mystery to you! Here’s your gift.”
Fo Do scratched off the tape securing the wrapping paper and unfolded it up into a square before proceeding to open the gift box. Inside was a pair of Pit Viper sunglasses. Frodo was speechless at first; he didn’t know something could be so reflective and colourful at the same time.
“These will be very useful in the Russian winters. I once experienced snow blindness from staring into the abyss of a snow covered wheat field. Thank you. I’ll be leaving now.”
“Wait, Fyodor, you haven’t given your gift. And you haven’t guess who gave you yours!”
“Is this necessary? My humanity and morality remain intact regardless. But to humour you, I guess that my Father gave me my gift and I’ll leave mine on the table.”
Fo Do left, his cats following him.
Socks the Elf
Socks the Elf had been long awaiting his Secret Santa gift. In past years, he had been using his toy-making powers to build the most extravagant gifts for children, and although he loved this pastime, he always wanted a gift himself. As all the members of the Howl Magazine gathered around, Socks received his gift from Anne.
“My goodness! This matches my outfit!” he exclaimed upon seeing the present wrapped in bright yellow wrapping paper. Socks exclusively wore yellow clothing, so the matching present was a pleasant surprise.
He then proceeded to open the gift and immediately started tearing up. Under the wrapping paper was a Himalayan salt lamp; it was the perfect rose colour with a beautiful shape. Tears streaming down Socks’s face, he licked the lamp. “This reminds me of the beach. I’ve never been to one but I imagine that this is how it would taste like.”
Everyone looked at Socks with sympathy and a little bit of confusion. Then Anne said, “Socks! Look under the lamp!” and he immediately did so. Under his Himalayan salt lamp, Socks found tickets to an all inclusive trip to Bora Bora. Being the expressive elf he is, Socks fell onto his knees. His dreams of going to a beach were finally coming true. He always longed to go on a walk on the beach in his favourite Birkenstocks that he’s owned for the past five years. Although Socks was an elf, this was the best Christmas he had ever experienced.
Grant
Finally, after what felt like forever, the Howl Mag annual Christmas party had come around again. It was December first, cold and gray, just how Grant (who’d gone away with his last name ages ago for sheer simplicity reasons) preferred his Christmas to be. Long story short, he preferred it as meek as it could be.
Arriving at the Commuter’s Lounge, he took a seat in the nook at the back of the room. Secret Santa had been planned as a team celebration this year, which stressed Grant terribly. Neither one of his mums had ever been able to give him a gift for the sole reason that he didn’t like anything at all. As a result, giving and receiving was a foreign art.
“Grant!” Stephie, another Howl writer shouted toward him, “We were wondering if you’d come!”
“Well, I did.” He replied, “I brought a gift for my Secret Santa. It’s a pen set.”
“Oh! That's… practical!”
“Yeah, basically,” he drawled, sinking back down into the couch.
“I got you something, pal,” Corey, an artist for the publication, said, patting him on the shoulder. “Merry Christmas!”
He handed Grant the package, red paper blaring into his eyes. The bling was a lot to take in. Sticking a finger beneath the paper, he began to open the gift. Under all the wrapping, a horrific green and purple tie lay flat in a little black box. Grant tried to muster a smile, but deep down, he knew that for the first gift he’d ever been given, he was wildly disappointed.
“Corey, this is, well… thank you,” he said weakly.
“Of course!” Corey spoke, patting his shoulder.
He was never going to wear that tie.
Roy Donk
Though Roy Donk is part of the Donk family — yes, as in King Kong — he has not been invited to the Donk family Christmas Party in years. He is only the third cousin twice-removed from Donkey Kong, quite the distant relative, so Roy Donk never held a grudge. Yet, every winter when he received the Donk family Christmas card, his heart hurt a bit.
The last Donk family get-together Roy can remember ended terribly. He got into a huge argument with Grandma Kong. As a proud flat-earther, he refused to lay eyes on the antique globe displayed in her living room. Roy Donk was outraged. He was so flustered that he turned to his beloved banjo to calm down.
Though the Donk family did not appreciate Roy’s banjo playing, the Howl Mag adored it. Roy Donk always wanted to have a Christmas party, so he held a banjo-themed party for the Howl Mag. He only served Timbits, which he carved into miniature banjo shapes. He kept the Timbits box, but he crossed out the Tim Hortons logo, replacing it with the words ‘Donk’in Donuts’, the name of the shop he one day hoped to open. Roy Donk put in everything he had for the party; he even brought his pet donkey.
Now, Roy Donk’s favorite part of the party… Secret Santa. Roy Donk and his Howl Mag friends sat around the fireplace on comfy couches with classic Christmas songs humming in the background. Roy Donk could barely sit still in anticipation of his gift. What would it be? A toy for his pet donkey? A new banjo?
Roy ripped open the blue wrapping paper and threw the purple bow across the room to reveal a glistening, mint condition, 18th-century globe. Roy was stunned. How could this be?
Anne
Anne, the financial consultant, is at the Howl Magazine Christmas party. She is participating in their Secret Santa and is very excited to see what she will receive. Secretly, she hopes it is hand cream or a nail file, both which would be tools for her secret hand modelling side hustle. Anne paces in her brightly coloured outfit with anticipation.
When it gets to be her turn, she tears open the packaging, delighted with the box’s contents. It is a pink pigeon. She glances around at the others, beaming at the fact that others know her favourite animal.
“How did you know?” she exclaims. Coy glances stare back at her from the other members. She makes eye contact with John, and says, “It was you, wasn’t it?!”
Unable to contain his excitement, he bursts out, “Yes!”
“I knew you had been talking about your love for pigeons the other day!” he explains. “You kept going on about their cute little feathers and their cute little beaks and their cute little talons.”
Anne looks up and smiles with pride. “I’m glad someone understands my love for pigeons. Everyone always thinks of me as the corporate worker, but I am so much more! I am a proud hand model too!”
Sigmund Freud
Sigmund only joined the Howl so he could have an excuse to haunt teenagers when they least expected it, his favourite activity. He didn’t expect to have to participate in annoying social activities, like Secret Santa.
“Sigmund, I think this one's yours,” said Oolia Julia Booglia, and passed him a small box wrapped in a fun reindeer print and tied with a shiny ribbon. Sigmund wrinkled his nose, as the package didn’t smell like sardines, his favourite food, so it couldn’t possibly be something he’d enjoy. He was still slightly curious about what was inside the package, so he reluctantly opened it.
To his surprise, it was a brand new set of clown makeup from Sephora, the kind which he applies every day. He looked up and noticed the whole group waiting excitedly to see his reaction.
Sigmund exclaimed, “What are you all looking at? This is absolutely insulting,” though deep down, he couldn't wait to experiment with the new colours.
Scottie
Scottie walks into Woodsworth College with his guitar and beat-up shoes. He’s sitting in the Howl meeting room and adding songs from the band ‘The Smiths’ to the collaborative Spotify playlist. He attempts to kick something away but he can’t because he’s just way too short — he’s nice though.
Sarah walks in and gives him a present — a blind Hinge date! He acts weirded out and brushes it off, saying that he doesn’t do dating apps. However, he secretly loves the idea and wants Sarah to tell him more. He’s a super nice guy but some girls refuse to give him a chance because of his height, but that’s okay! He’s a short king that rocks at guitar and has fluffy dark hair. He goes on the date but to his surprise, it’s Sarah who shows up — his step-sister!!
Oolia Julia Booglia
Oolia Julia Booglia’s rather peculiar name often causes the staff of the Howl Mag to forget the nature of her character. Her favorite food is broccoli, for heaven’s sake. Of course, she told everyone that at the first meeting of the year, but they misheard her and thought she said favorite vegetable. Since then, they’ve thought she’s the funniest gal around, but she can’t be bothered to correct them. It’d be a waste of air.
As a result, at the Howl Mag’s Secret Santa Party, ‘O.J.B.’ — her nickname among the staff — receives a large, blow-up broccoli statue. It is similar to the blow-up Santas one might see scattered across the suburbs around Christmas time.
When O.J.B. opens the gift, one of her eyebrows raises high towards the ceiling, the other remaining exactly where it was before. Lily, the gift-giver, looks at her with anticipation, eyes bright, a smile painted across her face. O.J.B. might be stiff, but she has a heart. After a brief moment of silence, O.J.B forces a hardened grin across her face.
“Thank you, Lily. How… lovely.”
Lily and the rest of the Howl Mag staff burst into tears of laughter, and the Secret Santa Party continues on in full swing.
Shane
Shane receives a mint condition collectibles edition copy of the movie Initial D (on VHS) signed by legendary Japanese street racer Smokey Nagata from his cat, Roy Donk. He is so happy to receive this gift because he recently lost a bidding war on eBay for this exact item. Furthermore, unbeknownst to his friends (he doesn’t have many) and family, Shane is in the deep pits of a soul crushing depression. This gift has brought a small drop of joy to his otherwise bleak and miserable life.
In a perfect world, Shane would settle down with his fifteen cats and dig into a bowl of premium figs (his favorite food) to watch his mint condition collectible edition copy of the movie Initial D (on VHS) signed by legendary Japanese street racer Smokey Nagata. Unfortunately for Shane, he does not own a VHS player, and since the VHS store is closed at this hour, he will have to wait until tomorrow to watch his precious mint condition collectible edition copy of the movie Initial D (on VHS) signed by legendary Japanese street racer Smokey Nagata.
Alana
Alana received a human-sized wax figure of Nicki Minaj from her Secret Santa. The gift was not wrapped, but had a white cloth over it, resembling a cartoon ghost.
Alana’s first reaction was pure shock. It was pretty terrifying for Alana to suddenly face a human-sized wax figure of the person she admired the most. Once the shock settled, her first instinct was to hug the Nicki Minaj wax figure. She couldn’t believe it; it was the best gift she had ever received in 20 years of living. She wasn’t quite sure how she would bring it back to her dorm, and people in the Howl Mag meeting did not seem keen on helping her drag a life-sized wax figure of Nicki Minaj back to her dorm at 9:00 PM, but she didn’t care. She was too ecstatic about her new gift to even think about it.
Later that night, Alana was able to carry Nicki Minaj bridal-style back to her dorm room all by herself. It must have been at least 140 pounds, but she was determined to have her new gift in her room. Nicki Minaj now stands by her bed every night.