How to Survive a Conversation With an Otaku: Navigating That Side of The Internet

Thoughts | Catherine Doan and Cindy Yin

Graphic by Cindy

A major gaming developer fumbles, Coachella has its first-ever virtual headliners, and the biggest trends in anime gaming and internet culture; these are the latest happenings as of January 2024.

#1: SPOILER ALERT: The Internet’s Number One Anime Husbando Just Passed

In Chapter 238 of the Jujutsu Kaisen manga, Gojo Satorou—Mr. Number One Most Powerful Sorcerer in Modern History and the anime internet’s newfangled obsession, on par with historical sexy men like Lelouch from Code Geass, Sasuke from Naruto and even Loid Forger from Spy x Family—unfortunately suffers a humiliating defeat and is subsequently executed. Forever will the community be stunned and enthralled by his striking blue eyes and blasé attitude, now immortalized in the hearts of thousands of fans worldwide.

We recommend checking in on affected friends and loved ones as they may be showing major withdrawal symptoms; these include obsessive searching for fix-it fics on archiveofourown, watching fan cam edits on Twitter for hours, and attempting to construct theories for a revival arc.

#2: Hatsune Miku Will Be Joining the Coachella 2024 Lineup

Japan’s favourite holographic pop idol, Hatsune Miku, has just been announced to be joining the lineup for Coachella 2024 in Indio, California. This will be her first time performing at an event of this scale in her seventeen-year career, in tandem with her MIKU EXPO 2024 tour in North America. She was originally supposed to be a headliner act in 2020, however, the pandemic disrupted those plans. Now, armed with her trusty spring onion alongside her loyal Miku cult fanbase, Crypton Future Media’s iconic pop star is ready to take the world by storm.

#3: The Newest League Champion is Here—and He Looks Like a Skylander

Riot Games hit IP “League of Legends” just launched their newest champion: a royal baby dragon from the distant lands of Camavor. As soon as his trailer went live on their official YouTube channel, fans were quick to react to the newly unveiled design of Smolder—although it certainly was not positive. Many point out his uncanny resemblance to the cartoonishly smooth style of old kids’ games like Skylanders and Wizard 101, claiming some things need to stay in the past. Riot was quick to update his textures and attempt to salvage a bit of their player’s excitement. Still, the damage was done—both to the champion’s reception and to the eyes of those unfortunate enough to view his initial design.

#4: The Men of the NXX are Here to School Fans on the Art of Republic Fashion

The annual New Year event on Tears of Themis—Hoyoverse’s hit detective dating simulator mobile game—has finally hit global servers, and it is making waves on the internet. Dressed in the classy and breathtaking 20th-century East Asian Republic style, the game’s male leads have sparked a new trend in the Otome genre to return to more classic styles. Fans take to the streets in long fur coats, Tangsu-inspired regalia and old-world sensibilities, hoping to capture even a fraction of the expensive and regal form of their anime husbandos.

#5: The Beginner’s Guide on How to Kabedon

*(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzr999WDk3c)*

"Kabe-don is an advanced technique that guarantees a 100% W Rizz. In Japanese, 'kabe' means wall, and 'don' means slam. This technique involves a person placing their hands on a wall to create a romantic and assertive moment.

Find a wall for maximum efficiency; if there isn't one, be resourceful—poles and trees work, too.
Finding someone to perform the Kabe-don on. This is honestly the most challenging part—it ultimately boils down to timing and luck.
Position yourself with one foot forward and the other slightly back. Slowly lean forward while placing your hands on the wall to trap your 'victim.' Pro tip: for added consideration, try placing one hand behind their head to prevent any accidental head bumps during the interaction.
Enthralled by your impeccable wooing abilities, the 'victim' may feel shy at this point, leading them to lower their guard. At this point, gracefully follow their movement downward and offer a playful smirk."
Finally, lean in and say, "You're cute, and you smell nice." (Bonus points if you can express it all in Japanese.)

With these simple steps, you'll be well on your way to marriage, possibly within a week.

(WARNING: we are not responsible for any emotional or physical pain or awkwardness that may occur during the interaction.)

#6: Lethal Company Takes Over Galactic Stonks, Employment Rate Skyrockets

In the midst of widespread complaints about workplace issues such as low pay, overtime, and poor work culture, a curious phenomenon has emerged surrounding a business known as "Lethal Company." Despite harbouring the aforementioned negative aspects, this company has seen a surge in people eager to join its ranks. However, the unique appeal lies in the company's unconventional work environment, where employees are forced to travel to industrialized moons to gather scraps, navigating through traps, environmental hazards, and monsters.

Operating as contracted employees for "The Company," these workers face the challenge of meeting quotas within three-day periods. Failure to meet these quotas results in being ejected into space. Despite these challenging conditions, the company has gained remarkable attention, having been nominated for Game of the Year and winning the Steam Award for the "Better With Friends" category, leading to an unexpected enthusiasm among individuals to work for "Lethal Company."

#7: Genshin Impact Fans’ World Domination Plan Starts With Google Maps Takeover

The Genshin Impact community is renowned for its diverse talents, ranging from creating impressive artworks, animations, and songs to engaging in less savoury activities like review bombing apps such as Google Classroom. Beyond this, the community has left its mark on various digital platforms, even influencing Google Maps.

A search for Genshin locations like Liyue and Mondstadt once revealed unexpected connections to real-world places, such as the Snezhnaya River in Russia, where enthusiasts delighted in spotting the Genshin character Childe. Although this location has been cleared up, the community's creativity persists, manifesting in associations with other real-world sites like Mondstadt Bridge in the Philippines, Liyue Mountain in China, and Tartaglia's Ice Cream shop in the United Kingdom. The Genshin Impact community's influence extends far beyond the boundaries of the game itself.

#8: Massive Competitive Derank Tempts Valorant Players To Go Outside and Touch Grass

Amidst a world already burdened by numerous crises, the Valorant community faced an additional challenge on January 9th when Riot Games opted to reset player ranks. For those occupying the lower echelons, the severe rank reset proves disheartening, exacerbating the struggle with personal inconsistency and determining whether one is underperforming or over performing. The ambiguity extends to discerning whether poor performance is a personal shortcoming, the opponents' exceptional skill, or the presence of de-ranked plat/diamond players.

Lower-ranked players, particularly in the bronze-silver bracket, encounter an unfortunate twist of fate. Despite a modest drop in rank, instances of facing former season golds and plats, now demoted to silver/bronze, occur in around 30% of matches, a figure expected to rise as MMR normalizes. The pronounced skill gap between gold and bronze levels introduces chaos into these encounters. These discrepancies, along with my struggles, extend to platinum ranks, where the presence of Immortal-ranked players in 20% of matches adds an extra layer of frustration to the gaming experience.